Transcript

(for those who are clicking on tango links while they were supposed to be working 😁):

Hey, this is Dimitris, the curious tanguero.

My goal is to bring more people to tango and more tango to people.

Today, we’ll discuss why sometimes you dance a lot in milongas and other times you don’t.

If you haven’t followed this podcast yet, look for the Follow button.

It’s free, fun, and you’ll learn many ways to improve your tango.

Let’s start!

The other day, I received an email from a participant of the program ‘Getting more dances in milongas’.

This is what she told me:

“I am now an intermediate follower and I am experiencing two opposed experiences: either I dance the whole time (promise: the whole time!!!) and sweat out all of myself during the milonga, or nothing.

No intermediate experience!”

I also received this email:

“But the real question that keeps drilling at the back of my mind is this:

Why do I dance almost every tanda one day and maybe half of that on another? The place is the same, people are almost the same… Can’t explain it. Do you have any ideas why it may happen?“

Since I have received this kind of question a few times already, I had to explore this topic.

Now, if you are not aware, a few months ago, I sent a survey to over 14,000 social tango dancers, followers and leaders. With the survey, I identified why some women dance more than others, even if they are at the same level, same age, and have a similar appearance. I also asked women what they do when they want to dance more and created a full program exploring this. My goals were to help those who:

– Want to know why they dance as much as they do.

– Want to know how they can increase the number of dances they get.

– Want to dance with better partners in milongas.

So, my response to the above email was based on those results. Here it is:

“Regarding your question about some nights dancing almost every tanda and other nights almost none:

Yes, I am discussing that in the main program too, and you are not the only one.

In fact, just a few minutes ago, I responded to another email where a follower talked about the exact same experience.

So, why does it happen?

The mechanism usually follows these steps:

– Each dancer sends various signals in milongas, depending on their mood, personality, experience, etc.

– In most cases, there is one main signal that you send, which is quite important for the leaders.

– That signal might be related to one of the top reasons leaders are attracted to a follower and/or one of the top reasons they choose not to dance with her.

– At the same time, it is a signal that you switch on or off easily during milongas.

– Finally, there is usually a negative feedback loop that worsens the results.

I know this might be confusing, so let’s see an example.

It doesn’t have to be your case, but it will help you see the mechanism in action:

Let’s start with some facts:

– In the first email I sent you, you learned that the second most common turn off that leaders mentioned in the survey is when the follower looks disinterested.

– In the second email, you learned that the second most common turn on is when she looks like she is having fun with me or others.

– One more response discussed in the main program is that men’s (and women’s) choices are influenced by the factor of ‘pre-approval’: if you are seen dancing with others, you are perceived as a better dancer since they have already approved of you. This is the concept of social proof in the milonga.

– Finally, in the main program, we discuss the importance and strategies of getting a first tanda early on as a trigger for more tandas.

So, here’s my interpretation of it all:

If you are someone whose mood is easily influenced by not dancing the first tandas, and you show it in your expression and social behavior, the second most common turn-on is deactivated, and the second most common turn-off is activated at the same time.

Additionally, the lack of a first tanda leads to the removal of the ‘pre-approval’ factor and a few other consequences.

Then, you spiral down into a negative mood, and you present even fewer important signals.

You removed the turn-ons, increased the turn-offs, got into a negative feedback loop, and spiraled.

My belief is that once you understand the top reasons leaders choose to dance or avoid dancing with a certain follower, you’ll find your answer to why some nights rock and some others feel disappointing.“

That was the end of the email.

I hope that was useful for you, and let me explain this:

Once you know what the most important reasons men choose to dance with a woman are, which are the most important red flags that keep them away, you will be able to see why some women dance all night, even though they are not younger, more beautiful, or better dancers.

You have probably already spent thousands on group tango classes, traveling, milongas, private classes, accommodation, and transportation. If you keep going to milongas without realizing what’s actually happening, you might be wasting money every single time.

In my opinion, you will be repeating the same actions expecting different results.

I invite you to explore the results of the survey and finally understand the how’s and why’s of getting more and better tandas.

It’s as simple as understanding the signals you send out there that make men invite you, the signals you accidentally send that keep them away, and then knowing exactly what other women do to get more dances with better dancers while maintaining their dignity and values.

Take a look.

Hugs, and stay Curious.