How can shy tangueras become great at the cabeceo/mirada invitation

I asked the subscribers of The Curious Tanguero tango newsletter to help me create a few  guides that can help tango dancers enjoy tango more.

The ‘Shy Tanguera’ mini guide was the result. You can find it below.

👉 Examples of other resources you can find by joining the newsletter:

How to dance more in milongas – for followers,

How to dance more in milongas – for men,

What to bring in milongas,

Checklists to improve your tango,

etc.

How can shy tangueras become great at cabeceo/mirada.

Share this to help women who struggle or feel uncomfortable.

First, clarity: 

What is the cabeceo/mirada invitation?

It’s the most equal way to ask someone for a dance, being a follower or a leader. 

Both dancers look around the dance floor to find someone they want to dance with. If they cross eyes with someone that wants to dance with them, they can smile and nod their head. That’s it. If they don’t want to dance with the person they crossed eyes with, they just need to look somewhere else. No feelings are hurt, and no one was put under pressure with a direct invitation, face to face. That’s true both for followers and leaders. Now, some people might tell you that the leader nods (cabeceo) while the woman just looks (mirada), but, you know, you are an adult now, so let me tell you something that will blow your mindhole:

Leaders are biomechanically able to smile and women to nod. Try it. You’ll be surprised.

Use the ideas that work for you:

A smile is a smile: 

One follower said: ‘I smile to people (not just leaders, everyone) when I am going around the milonga/marathon, not dancing.’ Get comfortable with smiling first, without it having to mean anything. Then the cabeceo will become easier. A teacher suggested: ‘I advise you to start using the mirada the moment you walk into a room. Start to get a sense of the community and look around and smile, all before you even take off your street shoes. By the time you have sat at your table ready to dance, you will already recognize a few dancers and feel more at ease. ‘

In a galaxy, far far away:

‘A friend once told me she isn’t shy when she is somewhere for the first time, for instance when she travels and finds a milonga she is more confident there than normally, she feels she will never see those people again and it helps her.’ Maybe that’s you. Try it.

Positioning:

‘Position yourself closer to the leader you want to dance with (without exaggerating – 2/3 meters are ok!) so you will not have to cross dozens of other leaders’ and followers’ eyes to do the mirada and encounter his cabeceo.’

Be the change you want to see: 

Practice will make you better not only with tango figures, but in cabeceos as well. At the milonga, look at someone who is sitting too much, persons overseen by others will be grateful to receive your mirada. When it succeeds you will feel happier, and the future cabeceos will become easier.

Start from the ones you know: 

‘At first, I was so shy that leaders had to come up and ask me to dance, but gradually I practised transitioning to using the cabeceo with leaders I already knew and have found it to be an art that takes time and effort to do well, just like tango. Leaders appreciate clear and kind communication before, during and after the tanda, and if you are naturally more quiet or introverted, the cabeceo is a great way to make a leader feel confident and appreciated even before the dance begins without having to talk a lot.’

Remember: 

‘Remember everyone is doing it.’ Look around. See the dancers around you. They all (well… most… well, hopefully most) use it. It’s not just you.

Enough is enough: 

Many women simply can’t overcome their shyness. And that’s OK. Welcome to the human race, where you are allowed to be who you are. You survived highschool, where people were probably a lot more direct and didn’t care so much about your feelings. Some people simply need to wait till they are fed up with not dancing to decide to do a mirada. And that’s OK. Anger and frustration can help us take actions that we delayed for years, so if that’s you, use it. 

Early Education: 

Teachers should inform their students about mirada/cabeceo right from the start and make it an integral part of tango culture. Practicing it in class will help familiarize dancers with the concept. Roleplays to demonstrate its usage are very effective. Ask your teachers to do so or send them this information.

Organizers: 

Organizers can place messages at the entrance and/or toilets explaining how mirada/cabeceo works, ensuring everyone understands and respects the dance invitation process. They can also improve bad lighting and awkward room layout to make it easier for dancers to see each other and use the cabeceo. Let the local organizers know (or send them this information). This is what other organizers did to make cabeceo easier. 

Mind Game: 

That’s what an ex-shy tanguera suggested: ‘I look at the dancers and imagine which dancer l’d like to dance with in a way l would pick the nicest chocolate from a box. Somehow this makes things less serious and l feel more relaxed. I even have some ‘inside fun’ and often that dancer comes to ask me. l think the positive kind of attention gets noticed. Maybe l sort of did ‘mirada’ but not as ‘asking’ also not desperate or demanding… Just really seeing and noticing a dancer l specifically liked. And if l was not asked l had a good time enjoying searching for a dancer l wanted to dance with, noticing what makes me want it.’

Thinking: 

From a tanguera: ‘I struggled with this in the beginning, so much. For me, time and exposure has helped. Also, there is a really common misconception that cabeceo ‘gives all the power to the leaders’ as if the followers cannot also ask this way. It helps me to actually THINK the question when I am looking at the leader: in my head I think something like:  ‘I would love to dance this tanda with you. I suppose you want this also?’ Or something along these lines. This way, your body language kind of falls into place to make it easier for both of you. Raising eyebrows and smiling is good. Also maintaining good eye contact without being weird or stare-y. I think a smile is the key here. But I was very very shy in the beginning and found it very difficult. I am British and we just don’t sustain eye contact unless we know someone well so it may be harder for some cultures than others.’

Positive Perspective: 

Remember that the mirada/cabeceo is a mutual agreement, and it’s about enjoying the dance together. Tango is a dialogue not a monologue. The leader and the follower need both to have an open heart and meet each other halfway! You are just doing your half.

👉 Join The Curious Tanguero newsletter for more and better dances.

👉 Share this resource with your tango friends.